Some thoughts on 2014

2014

As 2014 draws to a close I have to say this has been a difficult yet eye opening year. Im thankful to come to this day despite the struggles. I started out 2014 wanting to change myself, I was at my heaviest and decided to put my foot down to change at least one aspect in my life that I had control over. While I did lose some weight I found that the same issues for my weight gain kept creeping up again towards the end of the year. I may have gained some weight back --I know I will never allow myself to get to the point where I've neglected myself.

This year I also lost a good friend. I was very vocal about this loss in the beginning I've found that somehow I've internalized the grief. I think about how to be a better friend and often stop myself in random places to make sense of the 'what if' and how my life is different by knowing one person.  My view on friendships has changed as a result and I tend to value the closest to me even more.  I came close to losing another friend in a serious car accident but thankfully she walked away without a scratch but the mere thought of losing another person allowed me to reflect more on how we deal with each other.

1-  to those you may have wronged you, or you may have wronged them. Based on this year, do not delay reconciliation. If you are upset with someone voice it to them, if you know someone is upset with you, also reach out to them. Know that people aren't perfect and make mistakes. Be a little more empathetic of the others circumstances, sometimes anger stems from outside factors beyond anyone's control. Voicing your grievance (with love of course) may help the other person realize that their issues shouldn't interfere with the friendship.  In general we should stay away from texting our grievances and pick up the phone and maybe visit to speak about issues. Which leads me to my second point 

2- stop being so busy. Yah we have 100 things on our plate but at the end of the day we are nothing if we aren't giving love or being loved. Our relationships have become at the mercy of a telephone or computer screen instead of the old fashioned face to face conversations. Even in person we are distracted with what's happening in other people's lives on fb or Instagram we aren't connecting as well with the person or people right in front of us.  Call someone instead of texting, you'll find the relationship to be a little stronger than just messages that can lose meaning behind a screen. That extra five minutes to talk to someone can mean the world, and it's five minutes of giving and receiving love you wouldn't have had since we're too busy.

3- to the depressed and lonely. If anything, I've heard so many people in 2014 express to me their depression and loneliness. Some of these people give everything of themselves to the service of others yet no one stops to make sure they're okay. Some are depressed because of lack of direction in life and struggle because society is putting an age limit of when we should be married or score that perfect job in life. We have to stop putting pressure on ourselves and actually live life instead of worrying about what we don't have. It's easier said than done. Just know as long as you are loved and are getting off your couch daily to do something for yourself and others, you're already headed in the right direction. 

4- don't forget to take care of yourself. Recharge your batteries so that you can keep going. Your mind and spirit won't benefit if you're not taking care of yourself. Pamper yourself, take a time out, take up a new hobby, anything that soothes you so that you can keep going with a positive spirit

5-surround yourself by positive not negative. There are tons of Scrooges in this world, they say misery loves company.  Surround yourself with those who will challenge you to be a better person, that will enable you to be that positive force in this world to help lift others up. It will also help you deal with negative in a positive way. 

I hope 2015 is a better year for everyone. I wish everyone health, happiness, joy, love and laughter

Weigh-- less

I love New York.  I love New York food and my waist line has shown my true love for food.  Anywhere you go in NYC, you have your pizza place, favorite deli to get your sandwich, the best desserts, bakeries, and cupcakes of course.  Honestly there are so many places to try it's not until thousands of calories later I would lay lethargically in my bed from eating a really good meal from yet another good place.   Last October, my friend Bassem came into town and naturally I wanted to take him to one of those awesome must try places that NYC has to offer.  He refused and just asked for something light.  I called him insane because how could one be in the arguably one of the most diverse cities in the entire world and refuse food???   We went for a walk instead around Brooklyn Bridge Park where he told me his story about his weight loss and his healthy lifestyle.   Part of me rolled my eyes because I was so stuck on eating good food and for once I met someone who declined the offer and instead agreed on a simple cup of coffee.   The other part of me applauded his efforts and his will to stay healthy.

It was last October where I was home for 18 days due to the government shutdown and the stress took a toll on me.  I am a stress and emotional eater.  I use food to help me get through problems, I use food to help me celebrate when I overcome them.  With a 80 mile round trip commute daily that adds to to my stress....I became a drive thru eater as well.  I would go home and become a couch potato for the rest of the night.  I started to notice my extreme weight gain in pictures taken in November and December to the point where I felt super embarrassed.  With the horrible winter that NY had this year, i became even more immobile and lethargic and with that more depressed.  

I went on my yearly retreat to a monastery in January and decided to extend my stay in Southern California mainly to find myself again and why I had allowed myself to gain so much weight.  I also saw as I gained weight, the sicker I became.  I got sick in California and then about 3 weeks after my return I was so sick to the point my doctor told me to stay home for a week.  Something had to be done and I didn't know where to start to get my health back on track.  

The end of February 2014 was the beginning of Lent.  While we always focus on our 'spiritual' health during this time period, I thought it would be a great opportunity to also get my 'physical' health back on track.  I turn 35 in July and thought it would be a great idea to do a 35lb weight loss for my 35th birthday.  I used to only lose weight for external reasons like if i I was in a wedding or if I was going to a wedding in a different state and I would get pushed to lose weight because who would wanna marry a fat girl?  This time it was different, it was for me and not for anything or anyone else.  I came face to face with my heavy weight --literally the heaviest I've ever been-- and instead of dwelling on it I realized I was on a daily journey, just like every day/week in Lent is a different theme part of a larger journey.   I signed into My Fitness Pal again to keep track of my calorie intake and decided to go back to the gym. I started out with Zumba, because it was fun and I was moving.   It was difficult at first because I saw how many fit people were in my class and here I was with the large bum, thunder thighs and wobbly arms that could barely move.  However the instructor in the class just wanted everyone to move despite the physical appearance.  

As the weeks went by, I found doing the steps a little easier and I found a group of people that were on the same journey as I was--to live a healthy lifestyle.  I even told my friend Bassem what I was doing and told him his conversation with me back in October was one of the driving forces behind my new lifestyle.  I told him I didn't think he was insane anymore and understood why he held back then.  So with Bassem and other friends, I had a network of people to help keep me accountable.  I bought a Fitbit pedometer to track my daily steps.    

One day after my Zumba class, I bumped into a trainer that helped get me into shape 2 years ago when I was trying to get into shape for a wedding I was in.  He told me of this new class that he was doing to help train for an obstacle race to be held in Brooklyn NY in Sept 2014.  Of course my mind told me that I couldn't do a race, I could barely move.  I told that to my trainer and he said, just try and just train with us.  I know you could do it.   The first day of this class....I never dripped more sweat in my life and felt so out of shape.  I almost felt defeated that I was going as fast as everyone else or that I couldn't complete all the rounds, however the trainer said he was super proud of me for getting through the entire session without giving up.  And yes, I signed up for more classes and kept pushing myself.   

The pounds kept coming off one week at a time and by Easter many started to see results.  How many compliments I received at Easter liturgy---many encouraged to keep doing what I was doing.  My friend Bassem and I had a weekly progress report conversation about what worked and what didn't work. During our last phone conversation, I thanked him for inspiring me to live a healthy lifestyle and our conversation from last October had resonated with me, but of course the next day, I was feeling a little lazy....he told me to get up and go back to the gym.  I went to the gym and received multiple encouraging messages from him...and that specific workout I hurt my back because I swung kettle bells the wrong way, so I had relax for a couple of days.  Little did I know that would be the last time I would hear from Bassem as he died the following day in Cairo.  

My world was crushed to hear about Bassem's death and somehow in my grief I wanted to go back to emotional eating.  Only this time I couldn't. I knew if I did that, he would be rolling in his grave.  Eating wasn't the solution and I had made so much progress I couldn't go back to my old lifestyle.  Thankfully Bassem wasn't the only person in my fitness support group so I had other people to talk to support me but this was a big blow.  I found that I have had more support with my weight loss endeavor after Bassem's death.   I remembered why I was losing weight, it wasn't for a person or an event it was for my overall health.  

So today I am writing this 20 lbs lighter than I was in February.  While my birthday is only 3 weeks away and I wont reach the 35 lb goal, I know that I've gained a goal of living a healthier lifestyle.  Here are things that have worked for me:

1- tracking- I use my fitness pal to enter in everything that goes into my mouth.  Tracking what I eat is important because it helps me plan to eat better for the day.   everyone tracks differently, if weight watchers works for you, do that.  do what works for you... which will bring me into the next point

2- portion control-- America is obese for a reason--if you go to any restaurant the meal given to you is probably equivalent to the calorie intake for the day and then some if you decide to have appetizers and dessert, you're pretty much done for the week...I'm glad that at chain restaurants in NYC, calorie content is listed on the menus...if you go to Cheesecake Factory, my favorite dish alone is over 2000 with a 1300 calorie cheesecake for dessert....that's extra pounds you can avoid right there.  Portion control--try ordering from the diet menus or if you have to order from the main menu, take your plate and put half aside.  fill yourself up with salad before hand (without the dressing) and stay away from the bread.  That way you can have HALF of your cheesecake at the end of the meal.  Yes folks, you can eat what you want but be mindful of HOW much you put in your system.  Many people who travel to the US from Europe and beyond are always shocked with how much food is put in our plates at the mainstream restaurants.  The good thing about portion control is that you can save that yummy food you had at dinner for the next day at lunch without feeling guilty that you've consumed everything in one sitting and feeling terribly sick after.  Listen to your body, if it's full and if you're stomach starts to hurt, it's okay not to finish your plate....

3- drink water, ditch the soda and the caffeine.  I love diet coke--or i used to.  Now I can't stand to drink it and have replaced it with water.  I haven't completely abandoned caffeine but I have noticed my cut down in my coffee intake from 3-5 cups a day to only ONE, yes ONE (and that's in the morning) has helped me drink more water and stay better hydrated.  I rarely drink juice or other drinks because of too much sugar.   Also down size what you get at your local coffee shop--instead of a venti or a grande drink at Starbucks, get a tall.  Get regular coffee and try to stay away from the flavored drinks and frappachinos.  seriously some drinks at Starbucks are a meal in itself or worse with too much sugar.  I've noticed with my food changes, I cannot tolerate the sugary drinks anymore...stick to traditional coffee and teas.

4- support system- I mentioned Bassem in this article, but I have to say I have a phenomenal group of friends who have supported and encouraged me throughout this entire process.   They motivate me when I just don't feel like moving and celebrate my milestones as I do with them.  They tell me I can when I say I can't. I'm forever grateful and indebted to them.   

5- Exercise-- I hate the treadmill with a passion.  i hate the elliptical but I do it sometimes.  Get moving, whatever it is.  If you dance for 30 minutes or go for a walk, just get up and go....it's so important.  I workout twice a week for now....exercising helps your mood and helps you sleep better...anything works, but the excuses have to stop....which brings me to my next point.

6- time-- yeah we are busy. This is the number one excuse of WHY we don't take care of ourselves. We are too busy, we don't have time.  I hear this a lot from moms that say 'I'm taking care of my kids, I don't have to take care of myself, at least you don't have kids and don't have responsibilities...you have more time for this'. HELLO MYTH OF ME BEING CHILDLESS.  Yah, after sitting through my awful commutes daily and getting home at 7-730pm the LAST THING i want to do is to move or go to the gym.  We have to make adjustments in our schedule...do little things....even if going out for a walk the kids--you're moving...or playing with your kids at the playground, you're moving.  If you don't make time for OURSELVES, we will be a huge disservice to our family and other people who rely on us for care.  There is time in the day...we're the ones not using time efficiently.

7- being realistic with goals-  I said that I wanted to lose 35 lbs by my birthday in July...right now I know that's not realistic because I would have to lose an additional 15 lbs in 3 weeks by probably starving myself by going on one of those cleanses. I choose to lose weight the healthy way and even if I'm not losing weight on a weekly basis, I may be losing inches and must make sure I'm making the right choices with food and exercise.  I also have to be realistic with my time.  As of now I cannot commit more than two days a week at the gym but I know that I'm moving around a lot on Saturdays while running errands....I know that I can go for a quick walk during my lunch break to keep moving.  staying realistic and true to the goals makes this whole process a little easier.  

thanks for sticking with me through this long post, I felt I needed to share and I hope to come back to this post on any day I feel like I'm about to give up to remind myself how and why i started to live the healthy lifestyle again.  

Son of God- my perspective

Last Friday night over 100 youth from my church gathered to go watch the film Son of God.  I walked into the theater pleased to see so many youth come together to watch the latest film from Hollywood about Jesus Christ.   Our group and another church group had a private screening of this film.  It was nice to see everyone come together.   Then the film began....

We were brought into a political struggle between the Roman government and Jewish citizens, showing the persecution of the people, and within that we had the context of the High Priests staying in favor of Pontius Pilate for their own survival.  Then there was Jesus Christ---to me he was portrayed as a friend, the kind of guy you would want to hang out with, the rebel against the Jewish High Priests.  The film begins with John the Evangelist reading off chapter 1 of his gospel and we were brought into the life of Jesus Christ---and then the inaccuracies began.

My issues with this movie were the inaccuracies of Biblical text.  So many have argued with me saying that Hollywood adaptations of books are normally incorrect, so I should be happy that there is something out there that shows Jesus in a good light.  My response to this is the following: The Bible isn't any normal book out there, it's a Holy Book and if you're going to depict the events and sayings of a Holy Book, do it accurately--audiences deserve the truth, accuracy and honor of the adaptation of the Word.   If this movie is going to be used as a teaching tool of the Gospel, then we have failed accurately teaching the Word of God.  I am aware of the various English translations of the Bible that are floating in this world.  Which brings me to another point?  Are we trying to be accurate in finding the true translation?    I mean stuff was so far off like telling Peter "Let's Change the World"--I nearly had an aneurysm and had to stuff more popcorn in my face in order to calm myself down.  Or the part where Jesus tells Nicodemus in the film 'You must be born again of spirit'.--right there is a heresy on it's own completely changing John 3:5 verse in order to fit the interpretation of the producers of the film.  Also for drama effects, Jesus told St. Mary 'With God all things are possible' as he was dragging the cross. NO IT WASNT SAID AT THAT TIME.   There were other things that bothered me but will not go into detail for now.  The lack of accuracy pretty much angered me because I felt it's misleading to the so many people who have spent money to watch a film on Jesus.

The cool parts of the movie was seeing some 'miracles' in action--ie feeding of five thousand and the healing of the paralytic man brought through the roof.  Seeing this put to visuals helped me see the story from a different perspective.  I like the raising of Lazarus scene but the inaccuracy of how he was brought back to life, killed it for me completely.

Many have argued with me about my views regarding this movie because I should be thankful that Hollywood has produced a successful Jesus movie that can move the hearts of people and teach others about our faith.  I believe the vast majority who will see this movie are Christians themselves who are uninterested about the accuracy of Biblical text for the sake of the general joy that Jesus is portrayed in a good light.   If you encourage people to go see this movie, I would recommend that you tell them to watch with caution since there are inaccuracies and not take everything as the 'Word'.

I personally would not recommend people to see this film (yes go throw tomatoes at me and call me names).  It can cause confusion with the gross Biblical inaccuracies.  I wish there was more attention paid to the Scripture instead of just really odd interpretations---or at least the film makers should have added a pretext that this is their interpretation of the Life of Jesus.  If you want to spread the Gospel and the Word, do it right.  Don't act on people's emotions and acting to attract people.  Our church forefathers fought tooth and nail to preserve the faith.  It's so easy for us to go with the majority saying that details don't matter, it's the big picture.  However I feel strongly the opposite...the details do matter and they can blossom into something bigger.

Shutter Spots--My Year in Photography

Has it been almost a year since I actually posted something on this blog? yes. I want to dedicate this post to my year of photography in 2013.  It hasn't been an easy year.  A lot of ups and downs and I would like to share my journey.

This time last year I bought a new camera...the Nikon D600...it's a wonderful camera however as I entered 2013 I was plagued with the oil/dust spots on the sensor, so most of my photos from 2013 were riddled with dust spots making it more time consuming during the editing process.  However I didn't allow that to stop me from clicking that shutter button (although it's a metaphor for how my year was like, filled with spots but I kept going).  At the same time I was listening to online podcasts from professional photographers about making new photography goals for the new year.  One of the goals focused on finding yourself and your photography niche. What kind of photographer are you?  I still consider myself a hobbyist photographer yet I haven't explored all type of photography to choose one.

The beginning of 2013 I went to the Texas Monastery where God painted awesome scenes for me to capture.  Honestly, that's what photography is about for me...capturing God's beautiful creations.  I was later encouraged to frame some of my photos from that trip for a church fundraiser called Art in Heaven.  This event is sponsored by a Coptic church in Jersey City where they showcase and auctioned off Coptic artists creations.  Two of my friends encouraged me to enter my photos for this auction, however I refused at first because I lacked (and still do) the self confidence in my work.  I don't think i'm good enough nor will I ever be good enough to compete with others.  I'm not a competitive person and always shy away.  However this wasn't a competition yet I was still resistant because I still thought I lacked the talent.  It wasn't until the 11th hour before the event (literally a week before) when a friend asked me to put things into perspective.  The auction was a fundraiser for a church and it wasn't about me, it was about my contribution to the fundraiser.    I still wasn't convinced but anyway I ran around for about a week like a crazy person attempting to get my photos professional framed and printed.  In the end, 3 out of 4 of my pieces were actually auctioned off and that night I cried because I really didn't realize how much my view of the world made a difference.  I thanked the two people who stuck by me and literally forced me to get over my fears and shortcomings.

After the Art in Heaven auction I got a boost in self confidence and all of a sudden I wanted to go out there again and just keep shooting....and then the unthinkable happened.  Someone stole my photos and reposted on their instagram account (without my permission and without credits)--the account claimed to be selling the photos as well.  I was beyond angry, hurt and more than anything I felt so violated.  All of a sudden I couldn't take pictures anymore because of this deep hurt and violation.  What alarmed me more is that many people around me didn't think it was a very big deal and that I should have felt honored that someone would 'steal' my work.  Um yeah no.  For several weeks I had a very difficult time taking pictures....I didn't want to anymore because I was scared.  The boost that I had received from the auction was gone...I just couldn't do it anymore.  It wasn't until several weeks later when I stepped outside of my house and looked up and realized that I can't allow one person to hold me hostage to not taking photos.   Again, I started again but I felt like I was at square one again.

In the middle of all of this friends were encouraging me to start my own business....but I never answered that question from the beginning of the year....what kind of photographer are you???  The 'I don't know' to this question has been a little frustrating for me.

At the end of May 2013, I went on a family trip to Hawaii and honestly I was blown away by the scenery. I wanted to take pictures every two seconds. I believe this trip helped me truly heal and helped me get back into the groove of things.  There were some amazing scenes. Hawaii is a photographer's paradise.  Yet once again, those stupid oil/dust spots reappeared on my sensor, so my 2000 + photos until today have not been edited as a result of pure frustration....

I realize that photography requires patience and one does not become a great photographer over night.  I decided that mobile photography is a great way to show how ordinary life can be viewed in extraordinary ways.  I mean many of us walk outside on a daily basis and stick to our routines not noticing the sky, the ground, trees, clouds, cars, or how rainy weather can actually be beautiful.  I've been taking photos with my iPhone and posting via Instagram to highlight this.  I haven't abandoned my dslr camera and realize I should take more with my dslr for practice in manual mode and being more creative with my camera.  If anything mobile photography allows one to highlight a rather mundane day into something not so average.    I applaud people who look up and see different cloud formations as something beautiful, or document a sunset....it helps us look away from ourselves.  To be honest, this has been very therapeutic for me.

Throughout 2013, I was asked to take photos for various church functions.  Yes, for me this is huge because I am a FEMALE and I am limited in terms of movement in areas where females are not allowed i.e. the altar.  However those who asked me to take pictures of events didn't see that my sex was a limitation and it was refreshing.  I took photos at a prayer ceremony for Persecuted Christians at St. Patrick's Cathedral in NYC.  For me, I think this was the highlight of my year. I love St. Patrick's Cathedral, I used to spend every Catholic Good Friday there as a little girl (and then I would attend the Coptic one).  The architecture of that cathedral is breathtaking and really I feel one can take refuge and solace in their search for God.   It was a huge honor for me and really a challenge since I did have limitations in movement.  Thankfully I rose to the challenge and again it forced me to find creative ways to convey the service....all I had to do was walk around and show my perspective.   I owe my confidence to do this  from my own church congregation. Photographing major feasts and giving me access (except to the altar) helped boost my confidence that I CAN DO IT.  I thank the priests and the entire congregation for allowing me to perhaps push my way so that I can get the right shot...and give a fresh new perspective of our church and not limiting me because of my gender.   If anything photographing church services gives me a fresh perspective of how I see God.  I see things that I would not have ever seen just by standing in the congregation.  The holding of the censor, the way the body and blood of Christ is dealt with reverently isn't necessarily seen by the entire congregation.  To be able to shoot this has increased my understanding of the liturgical life of the church.

With all of that said, I still ask myself.  Where do I go from here?  Do I start a business? What kind of photographer am I?  I still do not have answers to these questions, however the experiences from 2013 have helped me grow and overcome the obstacles.  As of now, there are no oil spots on my camera sensor, but just as there have been a bunch of spots throughout the year, it won't stop me.   Every time I say I CANT, somehow God sends me someone, something, some event with where it becomes I CAN.  I hope to share more of the world's beauty in 2014 with more depth.   But I need to say a huge thank you to those who have stuck by me, who have fought with me tooth and nail and made sure that my lack of self confidence in my photography wouldn't get in the way of continuing glorifying God with the talent He gave me.

The Fire

The Fire

2012 has been quite the year, and probably a very difficult one. Everywhere I turned this year someone was either dealing personal, political or natural disaster that has challenged each and everyone of us. I have been following events in Egypt in the past year in the midst of living through a major hurricane and a school shooting not too far away from where I live.  In addition I have had a share of challenges this year and I think many share my sentiment that we just want this year over. 

I liken this year to living in a fire.  Being challenged, put down, disappointed, stressed and my limited view does not see an end in sight.  It wasn't until last night at church while I was praying along with the rest of the congregation the hymn of the Three Saintly Youth.  They were thrown into the fire--literally.   The story of these Three Saintly Youth can be found in Daniel Chapter 3 where basically they refused to worship a golden image only recognizing the living God. As a result the King ordered them into a fiery furnace and the miracle happened where they survived with an extra person with them--the Son of God...Emmanuel meaning God is with us. 

Perhaps this is the difference of survival between myself and these 3 Youth. Somehow when things got so bad and faced death, they didn't flinch and accepted the fate of death as a sacrifice to worship The Lord.  I often wonder how many times I have been pushed and been faced with awful circumstances--I'm not accepting and often go through a whole frenzy to find a solution instead of the One that is standing right there.  

During the disasters of Sandy and the recent school shooting in Newtown, many have asked 'where is God?' It didn't dawn on me until I was chanting the hymn last night that God is present and is with us.  The outcome of the three youth being saved and how it gave glory to God shows how the fire was the only way for many to look to Him. I've seen this in the days and weeks after the most recent tragedies--somehow we have returned to the way God intended us to be--in His image and likeness--by serving the community and to look outside our own fires to put out others.  How many prayer vigils happened after Newtown? The outpouring of local assistance after Sandy with everyone pitching in with whatever they have to help those who lost literally everything.  

It's the fires that help us to realize that there is an external power to give us comfort, but we won't know this until we are connected to the Power on a daily basis.  This is what gave Joseph and St Paul the ability to endure prison joyfully knowing that they weren't alone. The display of the Son of Man in the fiery furnace is a clear display that we are not alone during our own fires and tribulations...somehow God is with us.

That is the Christmas message of this year--Emmanuel God is with us. He came to this world, not as a celebrity in a clean hospital, but in a manger. He came in circumstances where His birth was less than glamorous....but He came and the heavens rejoiced and shared our own pains as a human and went through His own fire on the cross.  We must live daily knowing He is with us, even if we don't feel it. Daily recognition that God is with us on ordinary days will help us get through those fiery circumstances like the Three Saintly Youth.

Coptic calm

About three weeks ago I was in a taxi cab in NY (yes another one of the taxi driver stories) and the driver was intrigued by my last name, trying to guess its origin.  I responded at the very end of the guessing game that it's a Coptic last name ready with a full explanation of Coptic Orthodoxy on hand.  To my surprise he quickly responded by 'oh boy you guys have it hard in Egypt, i feel bad for you'.  He asked about my opinion regarding the elections, and I responded by saying that both candidates were not fit for the job. He went on to ramble about how the Muslim Brotherhood would be bad for the Copts and said he wished the best for Egypt.

Fast forwarding weeks later was the announcement today of Dr. Mohammed Morsy of the Freedom and Justice Party (Muslim Brotherhood) as the President of the Republic of Egypt.  To be quiet honest, I'm not happy with this choice at all.  As a Copt, I don't feel comfortable for a political religious party to be in power.  The other option was more of the old regime in place, which I believe that was not what the January 25th Revolution called for.  I also don't think the January 25th Revolution called for a religious party to power hog Parliament and the Presidency but at this point we just need to move forward.

While there were people overjoyed across Egypt celebrating Dr. Morsy's victory, many others were upset. No not just Shafik supporters, but many who want a SECULAR Egypt.  Included in this group are the Coptic Christians. I will not speak for all of them but from my point of view, I understand why they're scared and fearful for a political Islamist movement to have power.  It sucks as a minority for a majority not to be empathetic with concerns that relates to Copts.  Some examples include: church repair laws and having religion on national IDs.  Having religion on a national ID already creates a division and to have a President be in control of repairing a church leak or fallen column is just dead right wrong.  Question on many people's minds is if things will just get worse for Copts?

My answer to this question is that: I don't know.  However what I do know is one thing.  Since January 1st 2011 the day of the Two Saints Bombing in Alexandria, a veil of fear has been lifted.  This was also enhanced during the 18 days of the Jan 25th revolution where for the first time many came out to speak out against their concerns.  After Jan 25, we saw Copts take Maspero in protest against crimes committed against them in Atfeeh until the massacre in October. In October, a mass protest took place in Washington DC that included clergy.  To be honest you would not have seen such protests that included clergy pre-Jan 1st.

We need to continue to speak out about our concerns, not just as Copts but as secular citizens.  We also need to stop this victim mentality.  In order to do this, we need to look at Coptic history--starting with St. Mark himself, the one who brought Christianity to Egypt.  He was dragged in the streets of Alexandria but his martyrdom did not stop the spread of Christianity.  Many martyrs were willing to defend the faith during the reign of Diocletian and that's why our Coptic New Year commemorates the martyrs.  We also defended the theology through people like St. Athanasius, St Dioscorus etc who were pillars and defenders of the Coptic faith upholding Egypt as a Christian center.  Many endured difficult times under unsympathetic rulers of after the Islamic rulers yet the faith still remains in Egypt. They did not have the luxury to run abroad to escape.  These people did not sit around with a victim mentality but chose to do something about it. If you read the Synexarium on a daily basis, you will find some hero from a random century that defended the faith. Our modern day heroes include the Maspero and Two Saints Church.  Instead of cursing and crying perhaps it's time to do something about the situation.  Unite. Unite with other Egyptians regardless of religion--move out of the church walls that you think will just protect you and find those who have the same secular mentality.  The extremism that breeds in some will only further divide the country.  We complain about extremism yet we don't look within ourselves and within our own communities to find that we sing the same tune as those we point fingers at.

Yes times ahead are probably difficult.  While we resort to prayer and fasting we also need to resort to being part of the solution instead of constantly being part of the couch party that just sits back complains and does nothing.

I am reminded by this verse in 2 Corinthians 4: 8-10:  We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;⁹ persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—
Our tradition has upheld this sentiment and it's about time we do the same with faith and action.

We Lost Our Father

Today I attended a wake. The church was sad and we were all in a sea of black. Normally during wakes we remember the dearly departed and try to comfort the family of the deceased. Today was different though since we were all one family trying to comfort each other while finding comfort from the departure of our father Pope Shenouda III. He departed to heaven on March 17, 2012. No words can really express my deep sadness and hurt. We lost a father.

 I could sit here and write my personal experiences with the Late Pope Shenouda III but really they aren't a lot. I met him in person on several occasions and I was blown away by his love for those around us. St. Augustine said "God loves each of us as if there were only one of us". Really this sums up Pope Shenouda III. I did not live in Egypt, but the imprint of his legacy are in the youth of today's church in Egypt and abroad. I am one of those youth abroad, his hand is in every church, every altar, every cornerstone. You walk into any Coptic bookstore and will find tons of sermons and translated books by His Holiness...he aimed to provide us with the spiritual food needed for us to develop knowing fully well that the church has expanded beyond the borders of the motherland of Egypt. The Coptic church is now on six of seven continents with Divine Liturgies translated into English, French, German, Spanish, etc. Most recent consecration of a church was in Budapest, Hungary in 2011 by His Holiness. I can go on and on about Pope Shenouda's contributions, because they did have a direct impact on the church abroad. But what many don't understand is why we are so sad. Why do we have such a connection with a man that we saw once in a while here and there? First, he was a father and a shepherd in the true sense. For those who do not understand how our the church clergy functions, in the true sense they serve the people. They've dedicated their lives to God and in turn they serve the people as a reflection of Christ Himself as the Good Shepherd. In so many ways, this was Pope Shenouda. He has ordained priests, made himself available, visited the sick, sat with the people, sermonized and taught the flock and so much more. In 2005, I was in Cedar Grove, NJ at his residence to pray the midnight praises with HG Bishop Youannnes, his secretary. The youth were gathered and after the prayer was done, I was walking to my car when I heard someone come out of the residence building telling me to come in quickly. I didn't ask questions. I entered the residence and walked down the stairs to find His Holiness sitting in the reception area. He was with the bishops and all of a sudden HG Bishop Youannes said 'these are amazing youth that I just prayed with'. We took his blessings and chocolate (that was the norm). We sat with him until around 2am, joking with us. For maybe the first 30 min I was thinking in my brain "oh my God this is the Pope sitting with us", but as the night went on, we were sitting with our amazing father who wanted to make sure we were okay. It was one of those times where you just didn't want to leave because you were having a great time. It was amazing. I can talk about more experiences but this one has had a lasting effect on me.

 In his sickness, he gave everything to us despite his pain. That's the true love of sacrifice there, can't really elaborate on this. The last year has been difficult on the church and I don't really know how His Holiness in his physical pain was able to guide the church but really that is God working.

 I was a bit disappointed in the wake of his death to find many people on social networking sites attacking His Holiness as they learned of his death. I was in so much sadness and the attacks only added salt to the wound. I was asked my opinion about this. To the haters out there, you didn't know him, you didn't experience him, you didn't understand him. You only saw him from the narrow view of politics (which I will not address at this point). You judged him without allowing to understand the other side and yes revolutionaries...you are ignorant in just attacking while a huge portion of the population is in pain. You lost sensitivity in your quest for freedom and you're just as bad as those who have tried to divide this country on sectarianism. There is a verse in Romans 'Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep'. Christians have done their share of doing both with their fellow Muslim neighbors who are EGYPTIANS as well. If you don't know, Egypt just lost one of the greatest citizens of the modern age but instead of learning, you choose to shut your ears. Whatever. I choose however to focus on the amount of messages I received from Muslim Egyptians, they are the true Egyptians. They share in the sufferings and many have seen how Pope Shenouda always reached out to people regardless of race or religion. This is Egypt. I thank you Muslims who have reached out to me. You have shown the true sense of the religion of peace to Christians and please keep us in your prayers. Pope Shenouda loved Egypt, you are Egypt.

 Many people looked to him as a source of comfort especially in the past year or so where things have been certainly difficult to the Christian community. The loss of our father at this time is another blow to us. We lost the modern day St. John Chrysostom and Athanasius. Read his books, you will be moved. My favorite was Release of the Spirit. I've read a lot of articles about the uncertainties amongst Christians with the latest loss. My priest told us today not to lose faith in God. There was the same uncertainty after Pope Kyrollos VI departed but God gave us the gift of Pope Shenouda III who really was exceedingly more than we could have ever asked for. My dad today also said that our church has survived for over 2000 years and God wouldn't just leave us hanging now. I was comforted, yet I still hurt. As I was waiting on line to receive the Holy Eucharist, a girl about 10-12 years old was weeping. I mean she just was balling...I went up to her and asked 'whats wrong?'. She just kept saying 'I miss him'. I wanted to cry with her...I held her and let her cry. I told her that he is praying for us in heaven and that he is happy that you're standing on line about to receive the Holy Eucharist. Yes, my words really had no comfort as she kept weeping. Her heart was broken and so was all of ours. This our time of mourning. We ask that prayers are raised for the future of the church. I feel this happened during Lent for us to become closer to each other. I don't doubt that today that church attendance was at the level of one of the Feasts out of sense of loss and love our father who is now with the saints, the martyrs he often spoke about and most importantly in the bosom of our Lord Jesus Christ. Below are some sermons/poems to enjoy:
 God's love in your life
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCuo4fInGOI

I want nothing of this world
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4-APT-hbMw&feature=related

 After death Part 1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDfVMzNzgZM&feature=related

 Come back to God
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3IKtj79rwE&feature=related

 Stranger Poem http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg_2X9GG8JQ&list=UUGvHqFLowTlubXfis39tA1Q&index=12&feature=plcp

 Last Sermon of His Holiness on 7 March 2012 on Intelligence and Repentance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTOoE3-heRw&list=UUGvHqFLowTlubXfis39tA1Q&index=31&feature=plcp

 People's Tribulations and the Pope's response http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avd_XvUkgCs&list=UUGvHqFLowTlubXfis39tA1Q&index=1&feature=plcp

 From the Pope's Sayings http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SG_FVIgkOj0&list=UUGvHqFLowTlubXfis39tA1Q&index=5&feature=plcp

 Pope's comments on Maspero http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r9HEnQ-MX0&feature=related

Occupy Cancer

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, but at the same time I feel like I have been exposed to all sorts of cancers since the beginning of this month. First, I start with Breast Cancer---if you look into your contacts you will know someone who has this or know someone who knows someone who is going through it (six degrees of separation). Unfortunately in 2011, I think I've met more people who have had or do have breast cancer including those close to me. My grandma was diagnosed in her old age and I wonder if this contributed to all the other medical issues she had before she died in 2009, but we will never know. The point is, it's everywhere. I also know people who are suffering from lukemia, lymphoma and prostate cancer. And most recently was the death of Apple co-founder Steve Jobs who just passed from pancreatic cancer just two days ago. I heard the news while I was waking at the Lukemia and Lymphoma society's light the night walk in downtown Manhattan (i'll get to this experience in a minute)....so I was a bit overwhelmed with all the cancer going around. It's very easy to be brought down just by being surrounded by this. I wonder how oncologists deal with cancer patients knowing that some cases are not curable...but like me, I feel like strength is drawn by the survivors and their families, which brings me to Light the Night walk. I was told about this walk by a good friend of mine. I thought this would be a perfect time to take my camera and go shoot some pictures and then after join the Occupy Wall Street protests that were literally blocks away from this walk. I ended up in a sea of balloons--Red for Supporters, White for Survivors and Gold for In Memorium. Amongst the crowd I saw mainly red balloons, followed by gold then few white ones. I decided to walk with the crowd up to the Brooklyn bridge where they would cross the bridge and return to hang up their balloon outside of city hall. I was beyond touched and speechless that night. There was an energy in the crowd that I couldn't describe. Along the walk route were pictures of people who fought the good fight and it was touching to see some of the family members stand by a picture proud of their relative who fought so hard to survive. I saw old people and I saw children in those photos. I saw teams of families walk for their love ones who they lost to cancer but they were cheering along for their family member. I met a lady who has two daughters, one with breast cancer and one with lukemia...her face was stern but she spoke about how hard this journey has been on her and that she had to do this. I heard many of the walkers say that this was a better cause than the Occupy Wall Street protests that was only blocks away. Before I arrived at the finished line, I decided to look at my Twitter feed--saw that Steve Jobs died from cancer....I was overcome with emotion...I went through the finish line with sadness, but what kept me going was the energetic people around me. After the finish line, people hung their red, white or gold balloon for their relatives. I was touched to see a white balloon person who walked and just paused looking at the balloons surrounding her. I saw many gold balloons taking moments of silence...I can't imagine their struggles because the families go through the process of cancer just like the patient. I ended up sitting for a bit because I was still filled with emotion of the news of Steve Jobs dying from cancer. I was at a walk for cancer as well...I was overwhelmed. I happened to sit underneath a picture of a young child where it said 'two time cancer survivor'. I saw many just stand and stare and also tear up in front of this picture. I didn't find it appropriate to attend the wall street protests after this...I felt like I was with people who were paying tribute to their loved ones....this cause surpasses any type of political or class issues...it is universal with all walks of life. It's too often that we hear someone we know has cancer. However I dont see outrage to fight this amongst the general public. I know it's not a political or economic protest---but once you are somehow touched by this, you want to find a way to fix things. I just know the only way I can help is through support...I believe the presence at these events to raise money speaks volumes to support the survivors and their families. It shows we have compassion and can think outside of our technologically hooked lives where we dont see past our own phones or computers. If it's not cancer, it should be something else that we reach out to the human race---it can be feeding the homeless or whatever it takes to go from a selfish to a selfless society. I hope that just as Americans are protesting the injustice of wealth we also protest and occupy the horrible diseases like cancer.

reflections of a dual identity after 9/11

I was born in Brooklyn, NY. My father came from Egypt in the late 60s and mom in mid-70s. I grew up in suburban Westchester County outside of NYC area from first grade on. In first grade, I learned all the patriotic hymns like God bless America; You're a Grand Ole' Flag, This Land is Your Land and of course our national anthem The Star Spangled Banner. I was the only Egyptian-American student in my school at the time...I didn't think about being Egyptian because I was too busy being a patriotic American every morning saying the Pledge of Allegiance followed by a patriotic song. I learned about American History and how great the USA is. My dad told me that in 2nd grade that my teacher was going to quiz me on all the Capitals of the US. So I spent my summer memorizing the US map. Until today, I can probably remember about 90% of the Capitals. That same summer, was my first trip to Egypt. I didn't know much about it except for the Pyramids, my church that I went to on Sunday recited prayers in Arabic. I think the entire family met us at Cairo Airport. I got applause coming out sitting on the luggage carriage waving both the American and Egyptian flags. I think people thought I was a daughter of some diplomat but I was just showing Egypt that I was ready to meet my ethnicity and that I was American born and raised. I had no concept of religion outside of Christianity, so I did ask my uncle why there were so many nuns in the country. I had no concept of what Islam was and that women were wearing the hijab--they weren't nuns (i was 7 years old by the way)

Growing up, my parents wanted me to learn my Egyptian culture, by forcing me to speak Arabic on the weekends. I threw tantrums to speak English, but Saturday mornings were met with a 'switch'. I was embarrassed because my friends would have to hear me speak to my parents in some crazy language. I think I gained popularity in school when there was a unit done on Egypt and I brought in Omar Sharif's narration of Mystery of the Pyramids. In college, I decided to take Arabic classes and concentrate in Middle Eastern Studies (as part of my international affairs degree). I became more in tune with the Egyptian/Arab culture, while also tuning into everything Washington DC had to offer. I volunteered for the NATO 50th anniversary celebration. Everytime you stepped on 23rd Street at that period there was another motorcade. We tried to guess who was in there....going to volunteer there, I went to old government buildings--there was history, grandeur--contributing to my country was a great feeling.

9/11 happened. It was my first week as a paralegal at a firm in DC. I was just out of college. My family and friends were in NY. I had to evacuate not knowing how to get back to my house in Virginia. I randomly found someone in the office who was going in my direction and we hitched hike from constitution ave in DC to courthouse area in virginia . We knew this was dangerous, but honestly we didn't know what was going on. I immediately got on the phone and attempted to call everyone in NYC but wasnt able to. 2 hrs of trying to actually get out of DC we walked from courthouse to clarendon and could smell the smoke coming from the Pentagon....we ended up in a coffee shop where we would rest before my coworker dropped me off at home. I got through to people speaking half English/ half Arabic. My coworker said 'honey if I were you, I wouldn't be speaking that language now'. I responded 'I dont care what you think'. We watched CNN at the coffee shop and I was already dealing with the sorrow of what was going on with my city but I had to deal with the ignorance at that point of my ethnic origin. 9/11 I thought of the WTC and how I was just there just weeks before the towers went down, I thought of Trinity Church and the day care center they had because I was in the first class of their day care. I thought of all the people I knew and what was going to happen next. That evening, I attended a prayer meeting at the Coptic Church in Virginia where so many people came up to me to make sure everyone I knew was okay. I called my family in Egypt and Canada to let them know we were safe. I felt the unity of everyone coming together....there was kindness...and there was darkness as well.

Darkness came from attacks on people who looked remotely Middle Eastern...even Sikhs got targeted. These last 10 years I have had to prove that I am a loyal American. I have been met with discrimination due to my ethnicity at the workplace and on vacation. So many times someone asks 'where are you from?' I respond: 'New York'. They ask: 'no ethnicity'. Me: "I'm Egyptian'.....and the smile goes away and body becomes all tense. sometimes they continue the conversation by asking 'So do you like celebrate Ramadan?'...I say 'Um, do you see this cross I'm wearing? I'm Christian'. Them: 'oh so you're not Muslim but you're Egyptian?'....me: 'not everyone from the Middle East is Muslim and not everyone is a terrorist'...I walk away because I can't believe the ignorance. One lady at work refused to work with Arabs....three years later when she was forced to sit next to me while I was filling in for her partner, she apologized for her racism saying that 9/11 affected her and made her angry against all Arabs.....I told her that those who terrorized us that day were not representative of the entire community....and I had to remind her that I was AMERICAN and I was brought up in a dual culture household; proud that my ancestors were the likes of King Tut (well she bought it...I can't track my family that far back)

When going to Egypt, I was met with some animosity since I did come from the US...it didn't help that I was Christian. During the 00 decade, I would go to Egypt at least once a year to see my ailing family (uncle and grandma God rest their souls). I remember being in a supermarket getting a stare down from women because I wasnt veiled. I was extremely uncomfortable...I got hissed and whistled at...but I was told to ignore -- something I normally don't do. I was hissed and whisteled at in Morocco back in 2000--and they didnt think I understood Arabic...until I opened my mouth and basically gave it to the two guys sitting making obnoxious comments..... They're mouths literally dropped to the ground (the NYer in me can't just stay quiet). So many other things I realized in Egypt, I'm not an equal to the rest of the population.


It is plain and simple ignorance on both sides of the Atlantic. Proving I am just as American as Wonder bread has not been an easy task. And in Egypt, completely different story. At times, I didnt think I belonged anywhere. Only during early 2011 when people would ask about my ethnicity and I would respond: Egyptian...I got hi fives for the revolution. I had people who I was out of touch for years come out of the woodwork to ask about my family and the Egyptian revolution. If anything, the terrorist stereotype briefly vanished as everyone wanted to know what was going on, listen to my opinions and to ask when my mother would be able to leave the country (she was stuck in Alexandria and left late Feb back to the States). It was a great feeling because I was able to use what I knew through my culture and education to give an educated view of what was occurring in Egypt.

Now it's the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I choose to honor those who perished that day. I choose to honor the first responders and all those who sacrificed their safety to help others. I will not be making this political. I've seen some articles regarding how American Muslims have been discriminated against in the past 10 years....media, it's not just the Muslims, but anyone who looks remotely 'Arab' regardless of religion. I'm not Muslim but I have felt the brunt of discrimination. My goal is to continue to educate to show that there are great American citizens of with ethnic origins that trace back to the Pharoahs and to 2011 revolutionaries, while of course I continue to sing my heart out at the Yankee game 7th inning stretch of God Bless America.

The Aftermath...

As many people are aware, Hurricane Irene struck the eastern seaboard of the United States affecting approximately 65 million people. This hurricane was a category 1 and as it moved up towards New England it was downgraded to a tropical storm. This was big news all over the world...we got phone calls from Egypt and other parts of the US making sure that we were okay. Thank God we were. The overnight of the storm was a bit scary as I did hear trees fall. After the storm I saw that half of one tree was down and ontop of it another one. We were the lucky ones...no flooding in my house, but others down the street did, we still had power, just nerves shaken. The story was different from house to house, street to street, town to town, etc. The local news did an excellent job of covering each part of the tri state area, because while people were back into their routines in Manhattan on Monday morning, others were still reeling from the damage. The apparent overhype or whatever you wanna call it from the storm was necessary because people for the most part, heeded the warning and another Katrina aftermath was avoided.

There is a human side to every disaster. After each disaster, we find ourselves coming together as a community. I decided to head out yesterday to survey the damage in the area. I ended up in a Panera Bread while waiting for my car to be serviced. It was packed with people charging their laptops, cellphones, iPads, iPhones, iPods, etc. They have free wi fi and it was turned off because many people who came to eat couldnt find a place to sit due to those who came to Panera Bread just to surf the net. I spoke with some people who told me that their entire town had no power. I also noticed, people were kinder to each other...taking turns using power outlets, etc...I heard a lot of people speak about their experiences to complete strangers. This would not happen on an ordinary day. I headed to a supermarket where the cashier was asking each customer if they were okay. Yesterday I couldn't count how many people asked me if I was okay....I didn't know anyone....this reminded me of other disasters like the blackout, the earthquake of last week, 9/11, blizzard... we all stepped out of our zones of just focusing on self and focused on others. In a busy NY Metro area, we are always rushing to get to the next place, we don't stop...literally we don't. If we do, it's an inconvenience and often we miss out on finding out someone else's story. I got to survey damage of down trees and power lines in front of homes literally on the block behind me. People were just very nice and jokingly told me they would charge me $2 to take a picture. What I took away from this, is that we shouldn't wait for a disaster for us to stop and ask about each other. I met so many resilient people yesterday that had more taken away from them, but they were willing to ask me if I was okay. I was touched...

For those who watched this hurricane from a distance and mocked the media attention...there are places that look like a war zone, people still without basic needs, houses damaged by water, power out, highway collapse and towns that are rivers. Support us with your prayers instead of mocking that this storm was 'nothing'. It was something for many people, life changing event. It was also a missed opportunity for some to reach out to the other. Honestly, I felt the love by so many people who texted, called, sent me twitter/fb messages asking if I was okay...and I was one of the lucky ones... Let's not wait for something horrible to happen to keep in touch but rather let's take away that we all need to pause so that we can see the world through not just our own eyes, but through others.

confessions of a single coptic woman

i've been avoiding this topic or speaking exclusively about this on my blog for many reasons. however after having so many conversations with people, i think it is time i addressed this issue from solely my perspective with some input from conversations ive had over the past month or so. as always i would like to keep my blog as positive as possible because i feel that we tend to just look at the negative side, however im not going to make this another rosey 'God has a plan' for you type of post. While I firmly believe in God's plan for us, I also believe that some issues need to be addressed.

so yes, i'm over 30, single, Egyptian Coptic American. I'm proud of my status. Our community puts pressure on people like myself asking 'what happened? why aren't you married yet? you're too picky' and hear a whole load of unsolicited comments about my single state. every wedding is a nightmare because you are met with these comments and because you're not married, you get seated with much younger people since all your friends are married. okay i cope and move on...

then i watch CTV--the coptic channel...where i hear bishops and priests talk about this impending 'crisis' that there are so many single women over 30 not married and that the church must get to the bottom of this. hence, there is a convention sponsored by one of the diocese entitle something like 'struggles of a single coptic orthodox christian' for single copts 30 and over. I was told I should attend and when I looked at the flyer my reaction was 'you gotta be kidding me'.

I appreciate that the church is trying to help us over 30 single folk get married, but im kinda sick and tired that the single status is being treated like a disease. It isn't a crisis, it is just a reality that many of us decided not to lower our standards to marry just anyone, we didn't rush because we were focused on our careers and studies and one thing, we refuse to get married to a guy that just wanted to use us as a ticket to America. There's nothing wrong with that and instead of being treated like that we have leprosy, we should be treated with respect. We don't need to be reminded every second while in the church that we need to get married and that there is something wrong with that and because we're single it doesn't mean we don't have lives.
I recently have taken up photography as a hobby, it's great...it doesn't define who I am, but it definitely adds a fresh perspective on life. There's more to life than just getting married and having kids. I really think that everyone has a different path in life and it just so happens that the issue of marriage is delayed for me for a reason only God knows.

Again I appreciate the efforts of the church, but I wish it wasn't so reactionary. We need to have more social gatherings, but not with just getting all single people into one room. Many of us have life balance issues or could be looking into getting into another career field. Focus on that...focus on our spirits that that we are not reminded every second that we are the outcasts...priests shouldn't be asking every second 'haaa fee haga gadeeda?'...I will let you know if there is...but for now...leave everyone alone...give us the spiritual support that we need instead of scrambling to be matchmakers (which most often than not tends to be disastrous...everyone is good in the eyes of a priest).

I have to say while I do struggle a lot, I'm also extremely thankful. You'll hear many people like me say that. We are not in unhealthy relationships, nor are we stuck with someone that we dont want to be, and we know what we want. I'm thankful that God has give me the opportunity to do things in life like travel and serve. I know my path is different than others, I just ask for support instead of just stating the obvious. Believe me when I say, God protects and God knows exactly what we are feeling. It's normal to lose hope, because our culture does a number on us...we have a tendency to look at what others have and not focus on ourselves. Because so and so got married at 25 and has 3 kids by 32, doesn't mean I am the same. It's also saddening when I hear our younger generation like ages 8-10 say that people must get married by 25. I know 25 is old in their mind, but what are the parents teaching them? It's the same attitude that has put our mature single community stereotype that there's something wrong if you're not married by a certain age. We need to instead educate our kids about how God is truly in control of life and that not every Egyptian is meant to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or a pharmacist (with all due respect to those professions). We have to stop putting everyone into a box because the reality is--people are living outside the box doing different things, getting new degrees, traveling the world to serve and learn from different cultures. So I refuse to succumb to the uneducated mentality that my goal in life is to just get married. The goal in life is find my way to eternal life, so my way is different than yours. I respect yours, so respect mine.

in conclusion, i welcome new ways of making the single life more acceptable in our community. it shouldn't be a moseeba, but rather something that people should be proud of. For my single community of friends---i know we will continue to have great conversations and be a support to each other. For my married friends--I love you as well, but please be more understanding and empathetic. To the church--don't be reactionary...be supportive...

stop, drop and roll

every year while i was in elementary school, the local fire department came by the school to educate us what do to do when theres a fire. one of them was stop, drop and roll. you stop what you're doing, drop to the ground and roll on the floor to get rid of the flames. thankfully i have never been in a fire, nor plan on being in one...however this technique was needed for my life..i haven't been blogging since elevator follies, so that i could do just that.

life before my stop drop and roll...has been crazy. i was running around like a crazy person doing everything for everyone and not taking care of myself. this sounds so familiar to so many people...because it happens to everyone. it got to a point where i was not benefitting from my church service and all i wanted to do was give up...i didn't understand why God wasn't helping me out with anything and i started to build a resentment towards God....so i stopped...i got to sit with my father of confession..and if anyone is against talking to a priest or a spiritual guide...you're definitely missing out. it was one of those really tough conversations but i came out feeling like i just unloaded everything that was on my heart and a sense of peace that everything was going to be OKAY.
next i dropped--i went on vacation. i dropped everything at home, work, service and life to embark on an 8 day adventure to Florida with two of my friends. i really can't tell you how much i needed this. every day was the same, wake up, eat, beach/pool, eat, sleep...it was great. i didnt have to run anywhere to be anywhere and at night we got to walk along the beach. one thing i miss is getting in touch with God's creation of this earth...where ever you are a simple walk does it. whether you're in a city, beach, mountains, suburbs, anywhere...these walks are quiet times...
i came back rolling--i felt like i got the flames off of me and i was literally ready to roll, but coming back i dealt with going back to the old ways again before i went on vacation. this time for me was different. i am saying NO to things that i know i cannot humanly possibly do. saying NO is very hard for me because i always like to help out, but i found out that it's okay to say NO if it's really going to make me feel miserable. also im trying to keep up with what makes me happy. going out in small groups, long walks and of course photography. i cannot lose myself in the busyness again. i need to stay connected to the things that make me happy. most importantly--taking care of myself.

so the fire department was right in one thing...the stop, drop and roll technique really does work...it works when there's a fire in your life.

Secular separation

Again so much is happening and I haven't had a chance to really sit down to organize my thoughts until now. However the points that I will be making in this posts are only based on my limited knowledge, I don't have facts but I report what I hear from people that are going through or what I hear in media circles.

Today in Egypt there was a demonstration for civil divorces for Coptic Orthodox Christians to be granted in order to bypass church mandated rules regarding divorce. personally the media that has reported this has left out a lot of information about the stance of the Coptic church regarding this issue, with the exception that the church is against divorce. Okay that's fine but to an outside reader it just puts the church in a very bad light. This situation also brings up the issue of separation between religion and state within Egypt. So that will be another issue that I hope to address.

first you can read all about the sacrament of matrimony according to the Coptic church here http://www.copticchurch.net/topics/thecopticchurch/sacraments/6_matrimony.html
the sacrament of marriage is quite beautiful and if youre not so distracted with all the petty details of the wedding, the prayers are amazing. A mystery is occurring. Even the hymn of the Holy Spirit is sung during the ceremony. A traditional Coptic wedding is done with liturgy immediately following the matrimonial ceremony since the sacraments in the church normally have you take communion immediately following the type of sacrament. It is quite beautiful to see the newlywed couple taking communion together for the first time as husband and wife. I've been to several of these traditional weddings. They are long but they are worth it. I could go on forever, but let's not digress.


Understanding the church's stance on divorce is simple...the church leans on the teaching from the Bible regarding adultery as being the reason. Bishop Paula is the bishop of family affairs and he is the one who ultimately grants the divorce. He has a weekly show on ctv ( Coptic channel ) called beit ala el sakhr or in English: house on a rock. Here he addresses many relationship issues and many people call in or come on the show to speak about their horror stories. Their cases are heartbreaking and some have had their pending cases for many years.
In my own opinion there needs to be more than one bishop assigned to this. It seems like the separation rate within the Coptic church has increased. So I believe the Coptic church needs to somehow reform on how they tackle this, not alter Biblical teaching which they must uphold as church leaders. Part of the reasons of protesting is that many cases have been just dragged on for years without any movement...this can take an emotional and physical toll on the couple.

Those who separate or divorce in the church suffer from being treated like outsiders from other parishioners because somehow we have in our brain that divorce is haram...priests and servants in th church need to do better outreach to families who need help instead of waiting for some big blow out to occur then become the next pariahs of the church.

Getting back on track with this issue is a bigger problem....some people resort to converting to Islam to get what they want. I don't know about you, but converting religions just to get what you want is unacceptable from both ends. I do not want someone converting to Christiantiy just so that they can get married and not really believe in Christ. I believe the same goes for other religions. Taking these extreme measures puts one in a position where they have severed themselves from other sacraments such as Eucharist. I know the situation is difficult but that's where the church can somehow streamline this process and give out their decisions faster.

Civil marriages require a secular state. As of now, Egypt is not a secular state, and many revolutionaries are fighting for this. Egypt has two types of citizens, Muslims and non Muslims. On the national ID card the religion is stated, which can lead to discrimination if you are not Muslim, especially if the person who is trying to hire, help, arrest, or whatever has something against you being not Muslim. Egypt needs to get on the program eliminating this. When I show my driver's license here in the US, my religion is not stated on there. Same should go for Egypt and their national ID card. Have each religious institution deal with their follows in a spiritual not political way. Not all Egyptians follow a religion, so if they were born into it and have to follow these rules that they don't follow to begin with it causes issues. So establishing a secular state will allow for a secular solution to gain divorce.

I can go on and on about this but enough for now. The Coptic church needs to do a better job outreaching families, education thru pre marital sessions and couples meetings after, and delegation of more learned church clergy to assist Bishop Paula in granting divorces or streamline the process so that one is it left 7 years in limbo trying to get a separation from someone who potentially can do physical or emotional harm.

elevator follies

this past weekend, i attended our church's servants retreat. to be quite honest, i really didn't want to go. ive been really jaded lately regarding church service (i'd rather not go into this now), however this weekend i was pleasantly surprised by how filled i got with the topic regarding the gifts in Romans 12. in addition, something that was truly needed this weekend was to built a bond with the servants in attendance. weekends like this, you get to speak to different people that you normally don't see on a regular sunday since we are all busy serving. it was a good time and then the icing on the cake came on the last day.

there were 12 of us who got onto an elevator. as soon as we get on, martha said 'imagine we got stuck on the elevator'...of course we kind of just joked around about it. the elevator opened on the second floor and mariam got out...we thought we were home free. somewhere between the 3rd and 4th floors, the elevator suddenly stopped and the comment all of a sudden became reality. i have never been stuck in an elevator before in my life. ive always heard about it and you watch stuff on tv where the elevator gets stuck and at the end it can fall all the way down. so i was stuck...all 11 of us were stuck. we called for help and used our cell phones to contact the rest of the people from the retreat just to let them know we were okay.

however i really didn't expect to be stuck for up almost 50 minutes. we kept the mood relatively light as we joked around a lot. we were thankful that we all knew each other, and that there were no kids stuck with us. the most calm person the entire time in the elevator was my dad. sometimes when people are silent they think something is wrong...but my dad had the right attitude. he had taken communion that morning and also for the first time in his life he was asked to hold the Offering of the Lamb in the beginning of liturgy. he was particularly touched by this and he gained a peace he's never had...so in his mind...whatever happens happens and just go with the flow...mr. star again, truly a star :D

i particularly got concerned as it got hot in the elevator and there was a lack of ventilation. i was concerned for the older people as time went on. we kept joking but we also resorted to prayer. yesterday was the feast day of st. george of el-mezahem. if my arabic serves me correctly...mezahem comes from the word of zahma meaning crowded....we sang a tamgeed or glorfication in the elevator mentioning this saint. we also sang kirye eleisons. we heard our group on the outside singing praises as well.

part of me understood why st. paul would praise God in a prison. i mean you can't really compare much between a prison and an elevator. both circumstances are very different but there's a similarity of being trapped and not being in control of the outcome of the situation. we resorted to God joyfully and with a knowledge that there's nothing we can do except praise God and ask for His mercy. this point really hit home as i started fanning myself and the person next to me.

the ending was particularly touching...we felt the elevator move and the power somehow back on. as we got to the lobby everyone greeted us (i did a zaghroota coming off the elevator), the greeting was very touching...they were cheering but i also saw the stress in everyone's faces. some of the mother's were crying and hugged all of us. one person rescued us with water. we had joked in the elevator that we should use this to take advantage of the situation...we wanted all sorts of special treatment with sandwiches and drinks to greet us. but we got something even more special...the love. we were all united in that moment. we knew that everyone was praying inside and out of the elevator. being stuck for that period of time felt like an eternity...and we were almost packed like sardines. we all bonded inside the elevator and we knew there was a bond happening outside.

the ironic thing was that the fire department showed up after we had just stepped off the elevator. apparently there was a lot of politics of trying to get out us and thankfully we were unaware of this. we also found out that we had lost power between the floors...also something we were unaware of. i dont wish to comment on the negative things since the outcome of this was favorable and everyone was safe.

our positive attitude and prayerful spirit is what kept us going. it was a take home lesson for me to always stay hopeful in a negative situation. i hope never to get stuck again in an elevator but for some reason, im thankful for this experience. our group somehow grew closer together and that is the true meaning of fellowship.

Wedding Photography Seminar

I don't have any cool title for this posting. I attended a wedding photography seminar yesterday so I wanted to share some of the info as well as my whole feeling on the subject.
I've said this many times, props and respect to all wedding photographers or any photographer out in the field. Photography is an art and you must love it in order so succeed in a cut throat business. I am not a cut throat, competitive business savvy person, however I know that good pictures come when you can connect with your subject. I know somewhere in my pictures I am able to do so, especially when I have a personal relationship with the people I'm shooting.

Here's some useful info and my reaction of course
Equipment--more specifically lenses: I understand why photographers charge an arm and a leg for their services. In addition to time post production, making photo albums, etc, they need to get lenses and perhaps an extra camera body to make the special day right. This particular photographer recommended 70-200 f.28 and 24-70 f2.8 85mm f1.4. now add that all together and the total cost of lenses equals: $4,808. I dont know about you, but for a hobbiest, this a killer in any budget. I'm writing a list of all the things that I can do with $4,808 (including an exotic trip to Europe and beyond), but again if you are doing this as a business, you are charging to cover the costs of this insanely expensive piece that enhances your pics. the 70-200 f.28 is huge because it is a telephoto lens and at 200mm zoomed in, you're still getting an amazing apeture..so it costs to get good lenses that allow a lot of light in the world of photography (and i hit myself for choosing such an expensive hobby). The lady giving the seminar shoots with a Canon but mentioned that Nikon lenses in general are superior (so everyone in the room including myself thanked God we had Nikons but the debate will always be there LOL)

Flash: I learned, when possible always use....I just bought a nikon speedlight sb-700 and I really dont know how to use it...I put it in ttl mode which is equivalent to auto mode. But flash is extremely useful in those low light situations and lit situations as well. Fun fact: flash freezes movement including at a low shutter speed :) the photographer yesterday mentioned she loves to use as much natural light as possible.

Then there was a lot of time focused on how to make it through a wedding. One must have an established relationship with the bride and groom prior to the wedding. Wedding photography has evolved into photojournalism, telling the story about the couple. There is some formality that is kept with wedding photography, but many people like to see the story behind the couple. A good photographer can tell this story, so that no matter if there are 100 weddings are at the same church or reception place, each wedding does not look a like. My personal view, is that when shots look the same with different couples same photographer, the photographer is not using his/her creative/artistic ability to show the story or personality of the couple.
Preparation before the wedding is key, knowing the lighting of where you're going. I think the word light or a form of it was used the most yesterday. Photography in general is having that perfect light and the perfect exposure....How do you make the person look their best. There were all other kinds of tips such is bringing a stepstool with you (especially if you're short like me) because shooting from below is not as flattering as above--go Facebook self portraits!

My whole view on this: I don't have the confidence, money or zeal to venture into wedding photography just yet. I was just too overwhelmed me in so many different ways. I am a little scared that I will lose the enjoyment of photography once turned into a business....so for now I'm going to continue to shoot my circle of friends, experiment on them until I gain that command and confidence. I still have a far way to go in learning about photography and the ins and outs of it. I know that every photographer starts with some sort of spark and passion. I know I have it, I just want to enjoy the hobby for now and see where it leads me..

Daughter of the Star

I am the daughter of the star. Truly I am...My dad's name in Arabic means star. This Sunday marks Father's Day here in the US. I dont think there is a father's day in Egypt, despite it being a patriarchal society. We all celebrate Mother's day with the frill but then Father's day rolls around and we're all too busy trying to find time to celebrate or find a different color tie. I even got a phone call to attend a Cirque du Soliel show with friends. When I mentioned it was Father's day...the person said go celebrate and come after. On Mother's Day that would be completely unacceptable but it's okay on Father's Day? Okay whatever.

So this blog is a tribute to my dad and father like figures. First.--Mr. Star himself. It's no accident his name in arabic means Star because he is a star on every level. My dad is older, but he still has that childlike quality in him that brings out an adventurous side in him. Going on family vacations is fun because he is willing to explore new places and food. yes, he maybe in bed by 9pm but the adventure during the day makes up for sleeping early. He is a great source of wisdom and I can go to him with any issue no matter how uncomfortable it may be. My friends also enjoy speaking to him. He reaches out to people and tries to encourage no matter what they're doing in life. I remember when we were searching for colleges for me to attend. He made sure he ate in every school cafeteria and spoke to students to get a feel for campus. I was embarrassed, but he didn't care since he wanted to make sure that the school I attended fit my personality (and also not get sick from the food). One thing is that he always encourages you to do the right thing, keep the peace with people...something that can be difficult especially when you're hurt by someone. He's fun to be around and I think I'm lucky. I'm not nearly the Star that he is.

Now to all the other 'fathers' in my life...the priests who we call Abouna our Father. Many of them have taken on that father figure role for me...spiritual father....there are few that know me inside and out and when the formality between priest and congregant is taken away, you truly see that fatherly figure in them. They have so many people to look after in the congregation, so I am touched when they reach out to me to see how I'm doing, or have a very candid conversation about what's going on in my life, or even better--just hanging out like normal people. I know priests, especially in the Coptic Church, are pulled in million different directions, but it's those times when you have a gathering or just ask your priest 'let's go out for coffee'...where the father/daughter father/son relationship is shown. So I appreciate the priests out there who have taken me under their wing as their spiritual daughter...

I'm not only a daughter of the Star but also of the King of Kings. Happy Father's Day!

Pink House on the Corner

It was that pink house on the corner that I took piano lessons from about fifth grade to my senior year of HS. I remember it was always on a Friday evening around 7pm. I remember the countless times I tried to get out of going but I would go every week. It was every week after a long day at school, I would sit down for 30 minutes trying to recant what I did or did not practice over the week. Some weeks were great some were not. It would be around this time of year that we would have our piano recital held at the Pleasantville Public Library. Right before my recital in 8th grade, I broke my wrist. I told my piano teacher that I would not be able to play in the recital, but she had other plans for me. That year, I played the right hand of the song that I was supposed to play, while she played the left hand....it turns out the doctor who treated me heard about this and was pleased.

I know that throughout the years, as much as I hated going to take piano lessons, the more and more I was appreciative of them after I stopped taking lessons. There was a relationship far beyond the scales, sharps, flats, on the piano. My piano teacher was not only just a teacher, she became a mentor and a friend. About 5 years ago, she passed away. I was devestated and I couldn't exactly express my feelings about how I truly felt. It was like someone who was part of my life was there no more, even though I had not seen her in ages after her move to North Carolina. My heart ached also for her daughter who was pregnant with twins. After she died, I remember heading straight to Barnes and Noble and picked out a bunch of CDs for Chopin and Mozart. She was a catalyst behind my love for classical music, which by the way I dont listen to as often, but should. I don't touch my piano anymore, but I know I need to pick it up again...more for a tribute for her.

So this morning, I attended the wake for her husband...her husband is being buried today on their wedding anniversary. Her husband will be by her side today. Today was a remember not just for me to remember her husband, but my teacher. I see her face in her kids and grandchildren. I sensed her spirit today and could almost hear her voice. She was also a support for my mother... it's people like this who enter your life you cherish for the amazing lessons in life they teach you. These lessons all came from the basement of the pink house on the corner.